See me see wahala o!!!


OK, this thing has been disturbing me since, and I have decided to talk today. I have nowhere else to rant, might as well take it out on my computer keys. What is IT with hugging guys??????????? Biko, help me someborri!!!!!!! Why will you want to hug me after our first meeting???? I said, meeting o, not even a date!!! I mean, I met you at the bus stop or when I was crossing the road! Why will you want to hug me? I don’t know you, you don’t know me. What is the reason for all the famzing, mo fi Olorun be!?!?!

A friend of mine told me that I was overreacting, that that is how people are in this part of the world. I almost agreed, but because I am very intelligent, my mind toppled that nonsense “western culture” argument. You don’t just hug people like that. Even in the “Western world”. See, I’m from Nigeria. In my place, there is this thing called “juju”. Juju, is “remote control” or “do as I say” or you can call it voodoo, whatever appeals to your less fine sensibilities (OK, I don’t even know if that made sense). -___- Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that if you go and hug every Julie or Suzie you see on the street, chances of you disappearing or losing your genitals are very high. #ThatIsAll.

I know we’ve all had that cousin of ours that came to us to beg for money for Penis Replacement Surgery because he hugged one too many girls. Yes? No? No. Oh, I thought it was… usual. *blush*. Anyway, you can see how it is uncomfortable for everyone involved.
Consider this scenario:
You: Ahh.. family wassup??
Hugger cousin: 😦 My brother, I have a little problem oo!!!
You: *concerned* Ah, tell me naw, hope I can help??
Hugger cousin: Ah, I saw this girl at the galleria, she was too fine, her boobs were very scintillating (or whatever) omo, I gats hug this girl o! And as I hug am, she disappear and I no come find my “pee pee”.
You: ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then it gets awkward when your cousin drops his pants and he’s NOT lying. 😐

I don’t care what any one tells you. No matter how big and inviting the boobs look, (and we all know how konji is a bastard), but please, keep your arms to yourself. Especially, if they smell underneath. 😐 See, the importance of personal hygiene cannot be over emphasized. Girls talk. That is their main talent in life. They talk to anything, their pets, husbands, girlfriends, colleagues, their hairdresser, their tomato seller customer. Everybody. So, the fastest way for news to get around is to tell a woman. I am a woman, but this is the truth and we know it. So, if you smell underneath and you go around hugging…. well, nothing is hidden under the sun. God and His host of angels will catch you soon, through His able instrument: the mouth of a woman. And then you shall reap what you have sown.

I understand trying to cop a feel. I mean, it’s nice to have soft boobs pressing on you… not that I would know if it’s nice. Like , I don’t hug women because their boobies feel nice….. OK, this is awkward. Moving on… but really though, control yourself. A hug is an invasion of private space. You are stepping into marked, clear cut boundaries. Everyone deserves their personal space. Stay in yours, I’ll stay in mine. If I invite you in, good. If not, good. Stay away.

If you are a guy that hugs every girl he meets, then comes up with that stupid line, “I don’t shake hands with girls,” may Amadioha use you as his vibrator. Do you hug your female bosses, especially the one with “The Rock’s” twin brother as a husband??? No. You don’t. Because that is the day you will meet your maker. And your maker might not be able to receive you because you have been so panel beaten, you will be unrecognizable.

That’s how I met this guy at the bus stop. Good looking guy and all… used a few nice lines on me. He was smooth, right? But I wasn’t really interested cos he was below my standards in physical vertical terms (all prospective boyfriends, husbands etc must be at least 5′ 11″ for preliminary consideration). We got on the same bus and everything and we kept talking. When he got to his stop, he stood up, and I was just saying goodbye, when all of a sudden, I was assaulted by arms and neck and chest. He just grabbed me and hugged me like we were best buds from grade school or I had just agreed to marry him. I mean, Shuu!!! And I was sitting, so imagine how awkward that was. Another time, this guy in my physics class saved me from sitting up front for a test by giving me a calculator. And then after class, as we were leaving, he just hugged me. Like, stood and hugged me, like I dashed him coupons for iced water or something.
No, you can’t hug me cos I used your calculator. You can’t hug me cos we’re on the same bus. Hell, you can’t even hug me when I tell you you’re cute. Don’t hug me. Leave me the hell alone.

Signed,

Ifunanya.

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8 thoughts on “See me see wahala o!!!

  1. I used to have this friend back in school who was very fond of hugging girls – next thing babes were spreading gist around campus about “Mr B the World-famous hugger” – didn’t do wonders for his reputation.

    I’m not really into hugging Babes (handshakes suffice) unless they offer to hug me first especially when we are not really close – most female friends dont count – mainly family. I try my best to avoid “arinfin” + I dont wanna come off as a perv – always out for feeling random girls.

    On the other hand, I’ve noticed that when I come with my ‘hand-shake’ ways, I often get the *side-eye* from a lot of women – the more aggressive ones just thrust themselves into my arms – I guess different strokes for different folks.

  2. LOL. U’re very vicious in your speech eh? iLike the openness tho – it must have really pissed u off to pen this with such venom. Good one. I’m not Yoruba, so permit me to ask: “Konji” – what does it mean?

    • lol…. thank you. I’m not sure about the venom part.. lol… and konjiis not exactly Yoruba, I think it’s Nigerian. I’m sure you’ll find someone to explain konji to u soon. 😉

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