This, That, and Everything In Between…

*In Wendy Williams voice* How you doing???

OK, happy new year people. I know, I know. Ify has been MIA. I would love to say I’ve been busy with life and all that… so I’m going to say just that. Might not exactly be true, but who cares? So, I haven’t posted in so long because I’ve been busy with life. (So there! I said it. Sue me.) *Shrugs*

Anyway, it’s good to be back. It’s a new year, so I thought I’d let you guys know what to expect on here this year… Well, for starters, don’t expect more frequent posts or anything like that. I’m just putting this out there. Sorry. I can’t even promise to try. Do you know how much I hate typing? I think I need a secretary. Maybe y’all can send your resumes and applications. Soooo… that’s that for that. Yeah.

Oh, I also thought it would be nice to do video posts once in a while. Awesome, yeah? I know!!! I thought of that all by myself! (Feel free to dobale at my greatness.) So, let me know what you think yeah? Even if you say no, I’ll still do it, so you might as well say yes.

Now, let me gist you what happened to me just after I had mapped out my plans for financial greatness and increase this year. Crazy shit, I swear. So, I have what I call “Love Yourself days.” These are days I just take out to treat myself nice. You know, spa, or salon, or fancy restaurant. Seeing as I don’t have a boyfriend to do all that for me. (Oh, by the way, I am now on the market. Feel free to send naked torso pictures and a 200-word essay of why you think you’d make a good boyfriend. Entries over this word limit will be discarded.)

Ehen. So, I had this love yourself day. I decided to go to a salon and get a complete mani-pedi. Everything was going well, was enjoying the massage my feet and hands were getting. Then I had them done really nice and all. Felt good, you know? I was done and it was time to pay. It was even cheap too. Exactly $62.15.  I was going to pay with cash, but I realized I had only $50 in cash with me. I decided to give them the $50 I had with me and pay the remaining $12.15 with my debit card. I brought out my card from my wallet, inserted it, punched all the numbers, and waited with a smile on my face for the machine to say “Approved” and begin to print my receipt.


It read “Card Declined: Insufficient funds.” Hahahhahhahh! Mo gbe! I had a mini heart attack. First of all, why did I not have ordinary $12.15 in my account? I had paid money into this particular account a few days ago. I did not have my other bank card with me. The Chinese woman was beginning to look at me the way Jackie Chan looks at the bad guys in those his movies. Her English was limited, so I used sign language to tell her that her machine was faulty. I told her I would go to the ATM and withdraw the money and come back to pay. I left my jacket with her because the ATM was just upstairs (it was in the mall.) Anyway, after reading the ATM in English, French and Punjabi, it dawned on me that there really was no money for use in my account. Apparently, my money had been put on a 5-day hold. There was no branch of that bank in the mall, but there was one like 5 minutes away. I dashed outside in the cold wearing a flimsy sweater (It was like -15 degrees.) The stupid bank was closed. At 5 o’clock. What kind of shit bank closes by 5 pm?!?!?

I began to cry. As I cried and the tears fell from my eyes and froze on my cheeks and eyelashes, I began to wonder how many times I would sweep the floor before the Chinese people would let me go. Would they ask me to wash their toilet? Would I sweep up nail clippings? I suppressed my gag reflex. Perhaps they would ask me to file people’s nails and sweep the hair they had waxed of people’s eyebrows and bikini lines and God knows where else. I walked dejectedly back to the mall, oblivious of the cold (haha! Jokes. You cannot be oblivious of Canadian cold. You wan mud ni?)

Now, a fantastic end to this story would be that I met this mad fine brother, who would see me trying to explain to the nail people, and would come and bail a sister out. Then, we’d live happily ever after, and tell our kids the story during Thanksgiving dinner. No such luck. I got back to the store with a sad face and a stupid explanation. Well, there wasn’t much they could do. Except seize my driver’s license. I don’t have a car, so I didn’t care. I was so happy they weren’t calling the cops on me, I’d have given them my 2 front teeth if they’d asked me.

Anyway long story short, I came back the following day and paid them their stupid $12.15 and got my driver’s license back. Only $12.15. These Chinese people are gangster. They couldn’t give me amnesty or something. Seized a whole driver’s license. Awon oloshi. See as $12 wan put me for trouble. God dey.

Anyway, that’s all for now. Oh, I also thought to once in a while do some amebo posts. It’ll be hard cos I never gossip about people. But we’ll see how that goes.

OK. E go be. (I used to love saying this in high school. “E go be later.” You know. Cool shit.)

E go be.

*Joker laugh*